Let Me Tell You This About That

Boundaries

• Delbert and Hess • Season 1 • Episode 3

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In this episode, podcast hosts Hess and Delbert discuss the concept of boundaries. They reflect on how the pandemic has influenced personal space and social behaviors, share childhood experiences related to boundaries, and delve into stories illustrating the importance of respecting personal limits. From haunted houses and childhood sports teams to modern-day parenting and charity work, they explore various forms of boundaries and the significance of recognizing and respecting them in everyday life.

In addition to being a podcast host, Hess is also an LCSW--if you'd like to learn more about her work as a therapist, check it out at www.jessicabollinger.com

One of her mission's is for all of our lights to shine--when we see each other and allow ourself to be seen--and we can say to the person in front of us, There You Are! the world will be an amazing place!

Delbert is a realtor in Louisville, KY, and you can find her at Kentucky Select Properties

Her philanthropic work to continue her sister Carole and niece Meghan is Carole's Kitchen. Blessings in a Backpack helps feed the many hungry students in our schools.





Hess:

So, hey podsters, this is Jess or Hess.

Delbert:

And this is Delbert. Thanks for joining us.

Hess:

Yeah, so this is our pod. me tell you this about that.

Delbert:

And today has had a great idea to talk about boundaries. And I was like, oh, what a great topic, because I think when we were little, we didn't think about that much. Um, and I thought, started thinking about it more than ever. During the pandemic,

Hess:

Hmm, right, because there was the boundaries of not letting a germ jump over on you.

Delbert:

right? There was that 6 foot boundary and, um, as tough as that was. I do. I think that taught us things. I noticed that people don't crowd, you know, how people used to almost be on top of you when you were checking out to where you thought, maybe they wanted some of your debit card information or something. And you're like, whoa, wait, wait, you're almost leaning the other side trying to. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, it's still my turn. So I've noticed that that's kind of gone away just naturally after it was like we had to take a pause. We had to take a beat. It was a big beat and it was a big pause. It was hard, but I've noticed that people are a lot more courteous with just personal boundaries in space. Have you, have you noticed that?

Hess:

I think you're, I think you're bringing up a pretty good insight there. I didn't, didn't really think about the pandemic introducing that, but you are exactly right. And you got those 4 numbers on your debit, you know, and you, you don't want somebody leaning over and looking at what your 4 numbers are, where your fingers are landing.

Delbert:

Mm hmm.

Hess:

Yeah, so to me, Delbert boundaries. So. I'm Hess and, and this is Delbert and we've known each other for what, uh, 60, 61 years or so. And

Delbert:

We're 5. Yeah. So 61, almost 62.

Hess:

we're talking to you about our life and things we've learned and things we've experienced together and separately. And this pod started by us having a phone conversation every Sunday morning. called it. We called it coffee talk and it just really helped us with our week. So here we are with you all and talking about boundaries and boundaries being in our mid sixties. They just weren't something that were ever talked about in our childhood.

Delbert:

Right. Right. And, and I'm so glad that we live in a time, and when my kids were growing up, one of them in particular had a teacher who said, you're invading Sophia's space, or you're invading Margaret's space. You know, and I'm like, oh, that's so good because as little kids, we, we don't know any boundaries. Right. And we tend to get on top of each other. I'm going to talk about that a little bit. When I talk about the wizard of Oz, I invaded my dad's boundaries every single year when it was on, you know,

Hess:

Yeah.

Delbert:

and that's one of our crossovers that we'll talk about. Our lives have so many crossovers, right. Um, And, um, two of my,

Hess:

so, Debra, Debra, when I was young, we were involved with this place called Plantation Swim Club. And, and my Aunt Babe said, Jesse needs to be on the diving team. And, Pop, I was on the diving team. I wasn't ever asked if I liked it or not. I was never asked if I wanted to be on the diving team. I had trouble. was afraid of heights, and I couldn't point my toes, and I was petrified the whole time. My dogs, they taught me something about boundaries because when one of our crazy relatives would come over, Delbert, the dogs would go to the back of the house. They'd go back in the back bedrooms. They could feel the energy and they didn't like it.

Delbert:

wow, wow. You know, and my grandmother was a natural boundary setter. I didn't know what it was at the time, but she had, uh, I think I've talked about this before she had a really special, there were 29 of us grandkids and she has special relationship with everyone and she did not allow it. It was like this invisible law. She did not allow anybody to disrespect anybody. To push anybody's boundaries, it just wasn't accepted or allowed in her house. And, um, and so that was a really good, um, button to set for me as far as respecting that. And I didn't, like I said, I didn't know what it was at the time, but my grandmother grew up so poor, and I think she had her space invaded a lot. Um, they were so poor that they had to sit in this very back pew of church to show how poor they were. Um, her dad died when she was really young, and my grandmother, my great grandmother raised these four children on her own. And they were made to feel like less than, because You know, they couldn't pay as much as the richer people to sit in the front, which I never, you know, in the 60s, that was not a thing. But when my grandmother grew up, and so she was very conscientious about respecting people and about accepting their physical. And mental limitations, uh, just on a daily basis, you know, and so that was, uh, she was such a good role model in so many ways. Whoa.

Hess:

awesome. That you had that when our son Lucas was about seven years old, had a really good friend named Ian. He met through the soccer team and we just loved Ian's whole family and siblings and Ian's mom, Lee and Ian's dad, Don and Lucas and Ian were always doing stuff together. And once I, I was going to be taking Lucas like going swimming or something that is just a fun thing to do. And I called Leah and I said, Hey, um, we're going here is in free to go. And this made such an impact on me. Lee replied to me, she said, um, I'll check with Ian and see if he wants to go. Okay. Boom. was,

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

drop. somebody would have called me and said, and I knew Lucas, we didn't have plans and they said, Hey, we're doing this. I'd say, yeah, Lucas can go. And that, that one statement from Lee really taught me something because my natural way of interacting was like, yeah, if I was free, um, my parents would just decide something and I wouldn't be asked.

Delbert:

Right. And I think it was with a good mindset, you know, there was, they just wanted us to be involved and to do things. I feel so fortunate that the things that I love to do, my parents just naturally put us into, uh, I really love the water and I really love being on the water and that was our big family activity. And I never was on a swim team or a dive team or anything, just, just naturally swimming and taking swimming lessons and being on the boat. But I feel fortunate in that. And then when I. Just naturally, you know, my next door neighbor was a cheerleader and she started teaching me how to do cartwheels and stuff. I said, Oh man, I want to be a cheerleader. My parents were like, okay, go do it. You know? So I feel fortunate in that, you know, and I always would say to my kids, now you don't have to join anything that you don't want to join, but once you join it, you have to finish out the season or the school year, whatever it is. So. Really be mindful about what you choose, and they chose a lot of things that I didn't choose as a kid. Like my youngest daughter played every single sport in the world, and we had every piece of sporting equipment. Did she really love all of them and fully commit? No, but I felt like, well, you know, she loves sports. You know, she loves sports. Let's let's let her try, you know, and, uh, And that was kind of fun because, you know, one, one year it was ice skating and she got the full thing, like the ice skates and the tights and the skirt, you know, little leotard thing and that evolved into ice hockey, which was, which was pretty fun. So, yeah,

Hess:

Uh huh.

Delbert:

so many different types of boundaries that we set for people and that we do. And the other day has asked me, she says, yeah, we're going to this comedy showing and right after that, let's go to the haunted house. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Hess:

Yeah. So this is, this is what brings this topic up for me. Delbert is. And this is why this came up, is just yesterday morning, I found out that one of the girls here at the barn is going to go to Cincinnati last night to go to two haunted houses. And this one is called the Dent School, and it's this old school, and it's supposed to be really, really super scary. And then they were going to go see one on a paddlewheeler on the river or something, some haunted house. And I thought, cause my wife Kathy doesn't like haunted houses and doesn't do anything scary. I thought, oh man, I, I'd be free. I'd be able to go. So I called up Nikki and I said, Hey Nikki, now I don't want you to answer me right away because I want you to think about it. I know you're going up there with your fiance and you're in, you're in one of your roommates. Um, but if, if you wouldn't, you know, if, if I'd like to go, if, if you, if you would like me to, you know, if, if it's okay, could I tag along? But don't answer me. Get back to me. And then in the meantime, I knew I was coming up to see you Delbert this next Friday to go to the comedy show. And I thought, well, I'll get Delbert to go to the haunted house with me. We have this old memory of eighth grade. Delbert, talk about that memory.

Delbert:

so both of my memories of, of not like, and scary things have to do with our fathers. My first introduction to horror, you know, for me is the Wicked Witch of the West. And every year when it would come on TV, the Wizard of Oz, I mean, before, you know, I knew when the music was coming, I was on top my dad's head. I wasn't in his lab. I was like. He's in his lazy boy with his popcorn and he knows it's coming, you know, boom. I'm just I'm scared out of my skin, but I love the whole movie. I love Judy Garland and I love the munchkins and I love the good fairy. And, you know, I loved everything else. And when it went from black and white to color, I loved it, but I could not stand that. Could which with her monkeys and she'd say fly, you know, and I'd be like, Oh my gosh, who's got flying monkeys that are mean, you know, and so couldn't do it. So, and.

Hess:

be on

Delbert:

Yeah,

Hess:

head in the lace.

Delbert:

and like, not even the lap wasn't high enough away from that TV set. Okay. So, and he knew it was coming and he was cool with it. Like, I really invaded his boundaries and he's like, okay, this is what we have to do to be able to watch the wizard of Oz. We just have to deal with her, you know. So, and then I'd be all calm down and back in front of the screen, you know, once Glinda, the good, which came on, but, um, so in 8th grade, his dad says, he's going to take us all to the wacky haunted house. And my mom says. Judy, you don't even like the Wicked Witch of the West, but everybody was going to this haunted house. It was this, uh, radio station that, um, was, um, hold on, Hess. I think we have to pause. Somebody's coming up to my door. Hold on one second.

Hess:

Oh, kiddo.

Delbert:

Thank you so much. Yes, he's going to get those. Thank you. So thank you. Have a good day. Okay, we'll have to edit that out. I'm so sorry.

Hess:

Or we don't, this is real life.

Delbert:

Well, this is real life. Okay. I was nice to you.

Hess:

that saw something in your yard. He thought needed work that you might need a

Delbert:

And I had just asked my, uh, my, uh, landscaper to do it. Cause the trees are starting to touch the roof.

Hess:

Yes

Delbert:

So, so I'm like, yeah, but it's the coolest thing. It's the wacky haunted house. I'm I want to go, I want to go. And so my mom's like, all right. You know, so thank goodness Hess's dad went into the haunted house with us. Okay. And I was terrified from the moment we walked in and the lights went out and there's all these screams and hands reaching out of jail cells towards you. And they had, uh, oh my goodness, uh, all kinds of just scary people like didn't have heads and blood everywhere. So I put my head under her dad's bed. Cashmere sweater and he was so nice. He, um, he, he laughed about it a lot. I mean, we were all kind of pulling on him, but I was like not having it, you know, if I could have gotten up on his shoulders underneath the sweater, I would have, um, but I was like underneath it and I was like, not coming out and I stretched it, ruined it. And anyway, he was so sweet about it, but that's the last time I ever went to a haunted house. I was like, my mom was right. I hate them. I'm a big sissy. I don't like, I don't like scary movies. I don't like, uh, guns or violence. I, I got to have my whole life just like pretty chill, you know, and we're going to go to this comedy show and I'm like, I'm going to be like laughing and have all these endorphins. There's no way I'm going to a haunted house and ruining that good buzz. Right? So I say, yes, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. It'll wreck me for days. It'll wreck me for days.

Hess:

So you text me back and say I don't do haunted houses I don't do scary movies and that's a great boundary. You stated how you were right?

Delbert:

Yes.

Hess:

And, um, that's boundaries of what happened when you sense yourself, what you need and want access your own voice and you speak to those things. We all have limits

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess:

you know, we can, we can experience violations of our limits.

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess:

Well, most of the time people don't realize that they're violating your limits. They don't know what your limits are, what

Delbert:

You gotta tell mom, right? Right. You gotta tell. You gotta tell

Hess:

that was a, that was one of our fun stories of you stretching my dad's cashmere sweater. And making it two sizes bigger. And so I thought, Oh, okay. Well, if, if I can't go with Nikki, I'll go with Delbert.

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

So circle back, babe.

Delbert:

Circle back.

Hess:

I'm driving to the horse park yesterday afternoon. I got everything I need just in case Nikki gives it a go. To go to Cincinnati, go the haunted houses. Nikki calls me back and she says, Jess, we really want this to be a kid's trip. I don't know, she's 30, you know, and I'm six and she's calling it a kid's trip, which is kind of wild, uh, because I don't consider myself old at all. anyhow, um, so she says, I feel terrible. I don't want to offend you and, but we, it to be a kid's trip. So that's tough. I mean, I'm like, like glad because remember I told her not to answer me back right away, right?

Delbert:

right?

Hess:

Don't answer me back because I want you to think about it and I, I wanted, I didn't want her to be offended because she wanted this to be a kid's trip. That's

Delbert:

Yeah,

Hess:

her to wait

Delbert:

yeah,

Hess:

know. Right.

Delbert:

exactly. You both handled. That's a perfect demonstration of. How to do it the right way, right?

Hess:

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So that's one reason that I brought this up to talk about this.

Delbert:

yes,

Hess:

got,

Delbert:

and

Hess:

I got, I got, I got some dogs violating my space right now because they want to eat.

Delbert:

I've got a landscaper. You've got dogs. Um, you know, uh, then then we invited our other friend Leslie to go to the comedy show. And I said, hey, Leslie, how do you feel about haunted houses? And she said, Oh, I don't feel any way about him one way or the other. I could take them or leave them. And I said, well, after the show, you think you might want to go with Hess? And I said, I'll wait from a safe distance. Like, you know, Marlon Perkins from mutual of Omaha. I'll, um, I'll be up in a tree with binoculars and you all go on into the, so there's this great, Baxter Avenue morgue. It's actually an old morgue. And they do a really, really scary haunted house. And, um, and then right across the street is this really great, um, local brewery called gravely. And it's named after being across the street from the more gravely brewing. And they've got this beautiful rooftop garden. I'm like, I'm going to sit out there and look at the stars and drink an IPA and they can go in the morgue and tell me all about it, but not too much. Okay.

Hess:

So you're raising up the point. What I'm hearing you say, Delbert, is that Leslie could go to that haunted house across the street from that rooftop, uh, brewery that you're gonna go to and have a beer. And Leslie and I can go do the haunted house and, um, and then you get to just relax, have a beer, and not have to experience that and sit on top of anybody's head or pull anybody's sweater.

Delbert:

Right, right, right. There's probably no one in there with a nice cashmere sweater or somebody in a lazy boy who said I can climb up on top of. So, yeah, I'll just, you know, do the right thing and sit on the sit on the roof.

Hess:

When we have good boundaries, this is the, this is, this is what I want. What do we say? This is what I want to say about that. Let me, let me tell you this about that.

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

name of the podcast. Let me tell you this about that. So let me tell you this about that is when we have good boundaries, when we know ourselves and we know what our limits are, it's good for ourself and it's good for the other person. Would I be any better off if you went to the haunted house and you hated the haunted house? Would I be, would it, would it work for me?

Delbert:

No,

Hess:

no.

Delbert:

not. And that's one of the things we just have to learn in life. And also I told you, I said, okay, I'm going to be dressed up that day as a weird Barbie. Um, I hope I'm not going to smell like basement. Uh, but, um, I said, you know, that wears me out a long time ago. I wouldn't have told people, you know, I hand out blessings in a backpack and Halloween candy that day. And I'm going to take a nap. I'm going to be a little tired. You know, sort of like. Letting my guard down telling you some sort, some of my weaknesses sort of, but it's also sort of acknowledging my own boundaries. Right? You know, just saying, hey, listen, I need to let people know this, you know, this wears me out emotionally and physically. I got to kind of recharge that day to be able to go and, you know, we're going to go to the brown. We're going to have a hot brown. We're going to have the most famous old fashioned in the world. I think we're going to go see a great comedy show. And then you all are going to go to the morgue. So we need to be charged up and feeling all of us need to be feeling great.

Hess:

You're exactly right. You know, we might not even be able to fit in that pontoon boat ride either. That might be too

Delbert:

I was thinking we might do that today. You know,

Hess:

morning. Yeah.

Delbert:

I was thinking, gosh, if it's pretty out, wouldn't that be nice? You know, to go out on the river early in the morning after such a fun night. Um, because Leslie's either going to work a full day or a half day. You know, so, um, we'll figure that all out. But I'm one of those people too. I like to say yes to everything and I get myself into trouble, you know,

Hess:

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm

Delbert:

stamina wise. Cause I, I'm like, that sounds fun. Yeah, that sounds fun. Let's do that. Let's do that. So I don't, I don't have, I don't set a lot of boundaries for myself, but I'm getting better at it. Like, I'm like, Hey, I got to give myself time to come home, get all that crazy makeup off and take a little nap after I do that. Yeah. at uh, my blessed school.

Hess:

you got, you got all that ponds cream to get that off.

Delbert:

I went and bought me some ponds cream at the target. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I feel better already. I'm like, oh my gosh, how am I going to get all that off of me? But anyway, I'm all good. I've got some good makeup, pencils that'll come off easy, and the ponds cream, and I'm all set. What a good day.

Hess:

It's a great day. You know, when we pay attention to ourself, good for us, what we need to do to plug back in to recharge, good for other people.

Delbert:

Mm hmm.

Hess:

It doesn't, it doesn't hurt anybody, does it?

Delbert:

It doesn't hurt anybody. It makes it better. That's what it is. We can't be afraid to voice what we need to, because in reality, it makes it better for everybody. Makes it more accommodating who wants to go someplace with somebody that where it's not going to be a lot of fun I mean, that's why we're doing it to have fun, right?

Hess:

That's exactly right. So I, I need to change my text to my family and say, instead of say, we're going to go for a pontoon ride Friday afternoon, we're going to, we're going to go Saturday morning.

Delbert:

Mm hmm,

Hess:

I'll change that. I'll change that. So it is a flow Delbert because we got to be able to read and feel ourselves in the moment and like you're taking a reading. This is one of the three big things that you do for blessings in a backpack and this, you know, that you get emotionally drained because you're fully present there and you're really connected to those kids when you do that.

Delbert:

right and we're packing food for them to have for the whole weekend. These are kids who are at risk For food insecurity over the weekend, their main meals come from the breakfast and lunch that they get at school. And the family resource coordinator also told me several years ago, you know, we dressed up just to make it more fun for the kids and, you know, my, uh, managing broker, Jay, it's got the Spider Man costume that the kids really love. And we, we just do it to, you know, make them happy. But she said, no, no, you don't know what this means. They might not get Halloween. This might be their Halloween

Hess:

Right.

Delbert:

and see, will that put extra pressure on me? And that's okay. You know, it made me, you know, I used to just take a few little pieces of candy each. So once I knew that, then my company, we really step it up and make sure we give everybody, you know, as much candy as we possibly can and hug just about every single one of them coming through the line. And. Want us to, you know, and so it is a physically, you know, we stock all the food. We pack it up. We break everything down and, uh, so it's, it's a physically and emotionally draining morning, but it's so, but it also is 1 of those things that when you give to others, you get,

Hess:

filled

Delbert:

you ever want to mend yourself. Men's your fellow man. Right?

Hess:

Let me, let me, let me repeat that back. If you want to mend yourself, mend your fellow man.

Delbert:

Right.

Hess:

Yeah. Ooh. All right, Dilbert. I love this. I love you you have a great week and, uh, I'll see you Friday. we'll, uh, we'll have a great time, have a hot brown at the brown hotel, which, which started the hot brown.

Delbert:

Right.

Hess:

Oh, when we go, y'all and we'll, we'll tell you this about that later is Delbert's going to give us Leslie and I the tour of the hot brown. I mean, of the brown hotel, because she was allowed to explore it and she can show us the doors and we can open any door that wants to open. Right.

Delbert:

Right. They're really great about history there. And then they'll let you, there's lots of plaques and everything everywhere, but they always say, any door that's unlocked, open it and go in and explore, which is super cool about the Brown hotel. It's very historic and beautiful. We had our senior prom there in the crystal ballroom. So, all right. Love you.

Hess:

I love you and we had a few boundaries show up during our pod where, um, you got, you got some branches on your roof. That's, that's not a good boundary and by. I said, Hey, I'll cut those off. You said, I already told my guy, I'll get that done. My dog said, it's time to eat. And so I, I carried my microphone on in there and fed the dogs. it's all good. Y'all love yourself and that's

Delbert:

Yeah,

Hess:

for you to love others. Fill your cup up and then, and then you can overflow and fill other people's cups. Peace

Delbert:

exactly. Peace and love. Love you Hass. Love you listeners.

Hess:

Yeah. Hey, like subscribe and tell your friends. Take care. Bye.