Let Me Tell You This About That

Listening Even When It's Hard

• Hess and Delbert • Season 1 • Episode 20

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Hess and Delbert take a deep dive into the art of listening. They share personal anecdotes and techniques on how to truly hear and connect with others. From recognizing the importance of meeting people where they are to understanding the power of being still in conversations, they explore various facets of effective communication. The discussion also touches on dealing with difficult people and the significance of empathy in fostering genuine human connections. Tune in to learn how to listen not just with your ears, but with your heart and mind, to create more meaningful interactions in your everyday life.

Help my friend José wipe out the Stage 4 cancer in his body!
https://gofund.me/e6f61999

In addition to being a podcast host, Hess is also an LCSW--if you'd like to learn more about her work as a therapist, check it out at www.jessicabollinger.com

One of her mission's is for all of our lights to shine--when we see each other and allow ourself to be seen--and we can say to the person in front of us, There You Are! the world will be an amazing place!

Delbert is a realtor in Louisville, KY, and you can find her at Kentucky Select Properties

Her philanthropic work to continue her sister Carole and niece Meghan is Carole's Kitchen. Blessings in a Backpack helps feed the many hungry students in our schools.





Hess:

Here we are. I'm Hess. Welcome to, let me tell you this about that.

Delbert:

Hey everybody. It's Delbert and I'm on the green couch again, but don't worry. I do get up and do stuff every day. I'm not always sitting here, it's just my favorite place to be because it is beautiful out today. The sky is blue. It's not that warm out, but it's okay. The sun's out.

Hess (2):

It's okay, you've already shaken off. You're already done with winter, and so you have that in your brain, and so you're not experiencing that. It's even gonna be 19 degrees tonight. And I look out my window and all I see is green grass. So that's just my attitude

Delbert:

There we go.

Hess (2):

and.

Delbert:

solved.

Hess (2):

I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep it. All righty. So let me tell you this about that folks. We thought about, let's talk about listening and how important it is to listen and. I was telling Delbert, it's it's my theme. I'm, I've finished writing about. There you are. That, and that's the title of my book. There you are. I've trademarked. There you are. And. My, my feeling about there you are is then I can, if I say There you are, I can really see the other person and I can meet the other person where they are. It's really important for me to listen to the other person, to be able to really see them and get them and be able to say, there you are.

Delbert:

I love that Hass and. I told Hess, I think she's a great listener. It's really part of what you do for a living is to be a really good listener and to really see people and see where they are. And I always feel very and heard by you.

Hess (2):

Thanks Tabbert. I'll write in when I see a client as we're having a session, if there's something that comes up that we're gonna work on the next week, I'll write it in the top right corner. And when they come back in, the next time I see them. I'll pull their folder out. I'll see that, and I'll say, okay, this is where we were and I wrote this down. And it might not be where they are right now. And I can't have it in my head, okay, this is what we're working on. Let's grab it and let's go. It might not be what's pertinent right now, so I can make up in my head what we need to do, but it might not be the thing we really need to do. So I need to. Decelerate. Stop, be patient. Cross the bridge, see what's going on. That to figure out really do we need, what do you wanna work on now? Where are you right now?

Delbert:

I love that and part of listening really is meeting people where they are right this minute. What do they need in that moment? It's the beautiful thing about human interaction. I. And we're not always gonna get it perfect, if we try to be good listeners, that's the first step,

Hess (2):

Yeah, and we have to suspend what we think in our own head.

Delbert:

right?

Hess (2):

to suspend my world and I'll get a little clear little back. I'll have my little visa and cross the bridge over to the other person's world.

Delbert:

Right and that really is there they are. I was telling Hess that I don't feel like I'm a very good listener. I have a story, honey, for everything that ever happened on Earth, I think, and a lot of times when somebody tells me something. Personal or that they're embarrassed about, or maybe that's a struggle for them. I always try to make them feel less alone with one of my stories, and I really have tried to stop doing that because I think in that moment people just wanna be heard. They just want you to hear'em. They wanna express themselves. And I'm gonna try to start practicing that a little bit better.

Hess (2):

Say more Delbert about how you listen to vibes.

Delbert:

Oh I don't know why it's just something in me, but I am good in picking up on vibes. I am good about picking up on people's reactions and their demeanor and I was telling Hess when we were talking earlier, I said, I'm not a great listener with my ears, but I'm a really good listener with my eyes and with my heart. I really do try to watch what people are saying to me with their actions. And I was given an example about the pantry at Seneca. It's our biggest pantry and. My friend Bobby, is just really into getting the kids into cooking healthy meals and he cooks a special recipe using the pantry ingredients, and then we'll bring some fresh vegetables and fruit and stuff in, but he tries to make it really simple warm. Especially in the winter, we cook warm foods I was telling Hess that a lot of the kids will eat it, eat the recipe while they're there and love it. But very few of them were taking the recipe and the ingredients home, and just had a sneaking suspicion that they didn't have anything to cook with at home. And. So the last time we had pantry, I took a signup sheet and I said, if you don't have anything to cook with at home, I want you to sign up on this sheet if you would like a crockpot to cook with. And almost half of the kids signed up for a crock pot. And so we were able to get'em, crockpots and ha pass'em out this week with another volunteer from Sacred Heart from the school Hess. And I went to, made a crockpot recipe book with little handwritten messages. And then my niece, Lizzie, my little spiritual sister, she came and helped and it was just the most amazing day and that was really. One time that I did listen good, but just with my heart and with my observation of what was going on, I just had a intuition about it, and so I, I can pick up on vibes in rooms. I, I love it when people feel welcome if I have a party or throw an event. I want people to be met at the door as soon as they walk in. I wanna know what they like. Do they want a glass of water? Do they want a glass of wine? Do they like lemonade? I like to know and I like to just make everybody feel at home because when everybody feels comfortable. And feels good. There's just a vibe in the air. And that's what was going on at Seneca this past week when everybody had something they could take home to prepare a meal with for their family. before maybe we would give out 10 bags of the recipe, and I think we gave up 20 or more, this past week to the kids. So that was super exciting. And.

Hess (2):

So you doubled the amount of. Things that they took back to fix the recipe because they had that crockpot to fix it in.

Delbert:

They had the means, right? So I'm gonna try to start listening as good with my ears as I do with my heart, really practice on that. And just, I always wanna fix everything for people. I'm an oldest grandchild and oldest child. And I

Hess (2):

now you're not talking about food, fixing food for people. You're talking about fixing. Fixing what?

Delbert:

yeah, we all know I'm a terrible cook. I'm not trying to fix some food, but, no, I just, if somebody has a problem, they tell me about it. I just wanna fix it. And really, I just think people just want you to hear'em out and let'em sort, let them talk through it themselves. And if they ask you for your opinion, if they ask me for my opinion, I'll give it to'em. I'm just gonna little less talkie a little more listening, listening.

Hess (2):

I was hearing somebody talk yesterday about working with difficult people and what the gist of it was like, I. Get outta your head that this person's difficult because that's a judgment. And if we're there, we're we're putting up a wall. Just being present and letting that person finish a sentence, letting them, how often we don't let someone just finish their sentence. And that, we can think this is what they're gonna say. Let me tell you this about that Delbert, that's what's popping in for me right now. I grew up where there wasn't a lot of communication going on, and when somebody, when I was a kid and I witnessed like people finishing each other's sentences, that's what I thought was good listening, and yeah, and I am doing my internship. As a child victim advocate with a child victim advocate. I wasn't the child victim advocate, but I was in Woodford County working with the child victim advocate. One of the supervisors there. I'm 36 years old than Delbert. I'd gone back to school to get my Master's of social work, so I was older when I did that, but I am with that supervisor and I just really wanna demonstrate with her that I'm really interested in what she's saying. So I'm like. Finishing the sentences and she says, would you please stop and let me finish? Yeah. Yeah. And that well, oh, wake up. That woke me up. Wow. Oh, I do that. You are right. And it really is pretty magical just to allow somebody to finish their sentence. Don't go into what you think they might say next. Just. Don't even make up that they might be difficult. Just be present. Listen. And it might be somebody that you don't really like or don't really wanna work with. I, I've been studying up on relationships with narcissists and they say that you should be a rock with the narcissist. Not fight back just be still. Not reply back, not give them anything that's gonna confront them and then they don't fire back even more at you. Yeah,

Delbert:

Sophie taught me that to be the rock.

Hess (2):

say more about that.

Delbert:

She just said, when she's had to deal with people that were difficult in the past, that she just becomes a rock. And I'm like, oh wow. Interesting. And. I just pictured her becoming like a little rock, and everything bouncing off of her, which is what you know, you shouldn't let people's words penetrate you like an arrow, right? If you become a rock and you visualize that in your mind, the words and the hurt bounce off more easily, right?

Hess (2):

Yeah.

Delbert:

word.

Hess (2):

Yeah.

Delbert:

And you just don't let the emotion show, and that is the best way to get rid of a narcissist and to have them stop talking to you.

Hess (2):

Yes. So that's listening to yourself and feeling strong in yourself and being still, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Delbert:

And being still. And that's, I don't know about you Hess, but I feel like that's something like our generation, like we weren't supposed to be still unless we were in church. Like we were not supposed to be lazy. We were always supposed to be doing something. And and it is hard to be still when you were raised that way. I.

Hess (2):

Hmm. You had all those siblings. That there's a whole lot of action going on. There wasn't much stillness in your house. Yeah.

Delbert:

As an adult, I find that I enjoy the stillness more and more. but it's something that you really do have to reset yourself for, right. Is a reset button inside yourself. I'm so glad you brought up the rock though. That's really good. Sometimes we gotta be the rock.

Hess (2):

And if we're still in ourself in that, we don't have to allow those, any arrows to pierce in, and we don't have to, then we don't have to react to those arrows. And then we don't give someone that's inappropriate. That's satisfaction that they stuck an arrow in us.

Delbert:

Because that's all they want is a reaction or they want your response, so maybe they can turn that on you or It's almost like gasoline. It's like fuel for the next thing. And if you are just that rock, it just stops it. It just stops it because there's no reaction, there's no, fuel.

Hess (2):

Right. It's funny, isn't it, that we, our topic is listening. And then we've moved into what's it like to be with somebody that's not only narcissist, but somebody that's difficult.

Delbert:

That's when it's hard for us to listen sometimes. What comes up for me too, about listening is. Sometimes you'll be in a class or a meeting or something and pe people interrupt the speaker and ask questions in between the presentation and that drives me crazy.

Hess (2):

Because it might stop the flow of the presentation.

Delbert:

I think. So I, yeah unless they say, feel free to interject any questions. but I don't think it's respectful of other people's time either.

Hess (2):

I got you. Delbert, something that's coming up for me right now in our flow of conversation is with phones now we're able to witness some things that go on in outside there in the world when someone brings their phone out and they videotape something. And in the George Floyd incident, we were able to be there and be present. To all of those minutes that he was being held down and choked. And then as an individual and so many individuals that witnessed that, then we're able to ascertain our own feelings about that. And it's important and that the opportunity to get this eyewitness from a lot of different people to be able to interpret. To say this is not made up behind closed doors, and we're able to see it just out front center what actually happened. I think that's important. That's another way that we listen to things that happen out there.

Delbert:

That's a good point. I like that. Yeah. We're, we have access to so much more, And I do prefer live stream. When they go, they show just exactly what happened live, opposed to somebody's interpretation of it.'cause we get way too much of that now. Lot of times, on both sides of the aisle, people aren't listening to what the person is actually saying. then we get all these different versions of the truth.

Hess (2):

Mm-hmm.

Delbert:

Think in this time in the world, it's so important to listen to each other, see each other where we are, to be empathetic and give the person a chance give people a chance and to really listen with an open heart and an open mind.

Hess (2):

Absolutely. Because that's the only way I can really walk in their shoes or feel what it's like to wear their shoes.

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess (2):

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Delbert:

about brotherhood and sisterhood and just being kind. Being kind. And. I think we're just gonna screw up. Like I said, I'm not always a great listener because I have so much to tell. I think, I don't really, but I think I do. But just to try to be better, I.

Hess (2):

Yeah. Yeah, because we can all get into our own interpretation if we don't really listen, if I don't, if I don't set myself aside and get my little glad bag, clear bag with my visa in it and cross the bridge into the other person's world.

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess (2):

Yeah. It's about getting information, as much information as we can before we make that interpretation.

Delbert:

That's the perfect way to, to say it. Our brains love information. Let's gather it about our fellow man and take it all in and make a loving decision about each and every person that we encounter. That's how we work everything out. How we'll work out this world. Do you wanna hear my quote?

Hess (2):

Yeah, let's hear your quote.

Delbert:

From Paul Tillage, and it's short because I shouldn't be talking a lot. I should be listening. The first duty of love to listen.

Hess (2):

Yeah. Yeah. And when we listen, sometimes we could feel uncomfortable and we gotta be able to feel the discomfort

Delbert:

Yeah,

Hess (2):

of listen.

Delbert:

Take a deep breath and be in the moment. Ground yourself and be still.

Hess (2):

Yeah. Listen to yourself. Yeah. Good. Bert Steep stuff. Thanks listeners for joining in. I think you know where we're at right now, and we love you. We're so glad that you're here listening and we wanna show up. These conversations help us process difficult things during the week. Like you bought all those Crockpots, Delbert and you threw your back out, but you didn't feel it while you were in the motion of doing it. It was afterwards you realized that you threw your back out And,

Delbert:

so excited.

Hess (2):

Yeah. And as Lester Holt says, take care of yourself and take care of other people.

Delbert:

That's right.

Hess (2):

Yeah.

Delbert:

Lester. Try to get home every night to watch Lester and listen to him.

Hess (2):

Y'all, peace and love. We love you and share this. Take care.

Delbert:

Bye friends. Peace and love. We love you and we're listening.