Let Me Tell You This About That

Living Wholeheartedly Can Get You Through

• Delbert and Hess • Season 1 • Episode 35

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Delbert and Hess just got back to Kentucky after being with their tribe at Bethany Beach, Delaware.  They came back with the spirit of living wholeheartedly. They all read Brené Browns the Gifts of Imperfection before they got together. They talked about letting go of fear of what people think and moving into authenticity; moving from perfectionism into self compassion; moving from numbing and powerlessness to a resilient spirit; from scarcity and fear of the dark into gratitude; from the need of certainty to listening to your intuition and have trusting faith; creativity; comparisons to creativity; don’t buy into exhaustion as a status symbol, but move to play and rest; anxiety as a lifestyle to calm and stillness; “supposed to’s” to meaningful work; and finally being cool and ‘always in control’ to laughter, song and dance.

You got this!  Be You. Stay in your lane. Trust yourself!  Peace and love!

Update on my friend José and his cancer treatments. After the first rounds of chemo, after new scans--the good news is that the tumor in the colon has shrunk, but they have increased in his liver. His oncologist has increasd the power of the chemo to help irradicate it elsewhere. Thank you so much for your support to Jose!
https://gofund.me/e6f61999

In addition to being a podcast host, Hess is also an LCSW--if you'd like to learn more about her work as a therapist, check it out at www.jessicabollinger.com

One of her mission's is for all of our lights to shine--when we see each other and allow ourself to be seen--and we can say to the person in front of us, There You Are! the world will be an amazing place!

Delbert is a realtor in Louisville, KY, and you can find her at Kentucky Select Properties

Her philanthropic work to continue her sister Carole and niece Meghan is Carole's Kitchen. Blessings in a Backpack helps feed the many hungry students in our schools. The instagram account is: https://www.instagram.com/caroleskitchen.nonprofit?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==
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Hess:

Hey, thank you all so much for joining us. I'm Hess, and I'm talking to you from my office. Welcome to, let me tell you this about that I.

Delbert:

Hey, it's Delbert and I am surprise, surprise, back on the green couch, looking out my big picture window. It's a beautiful sunny day in Louisville, Kentucky, and we're coming to you in the summer. Good old summertime, my favorite time of year.

Hess:

And we're all back home. we talked to you in the last pod that we were heading to Bethany Beach, where we had just gotten there last Sunday to Bethany. Beach that's in Delaware, and it was cute. I think Delaware, I told people, Delbert that Delaware was not colored in on the back of my car. That was one state I don't think I'd ever really been to. And some of the other, some of the other girls said the same thing.

Delbert:

For sure, and it's such a beautiful state. I'm disappointed that I didn't have it on my Bingo card. It's got farmland, it's got ocean front. It's got areas that look like the low country. It's just a little bit of everything, and it is beautiful and I would certainly go back.

Hess:

Myself also. And we, Delbert and I, and another guest flew into Baltimore and rented a car and stopped in Annapolis to visit my cousin Bo and his wife Liz, and her dad George. And she fixed us breakfast. And then, had a really good visit and then continued about two hours on to Bethany Beach and going across that. How many mile long is that Chesapeake Bay Bridge. It's pretty

Delbert:

It's pretty long. I didn't count the miles'cause the view was so beautiful. So I appreciate you driving because it was spectacular.

Hess:

for sure. And then you land on the other side and they call that the Del Marva. The De Marva area, and that stands for Delaware, Maryland, Virginia. Because you have all those states. They're in this big, huge block of peninsula. guess it I guess it. It's not an island because I think they put a canal across the top. So it's not a true island, it's a peninsula. It's this big huge space. And they, we drove on over and you all had told me,'cause you'd been there before Delbert, about three years ago. All the fruit stands, all the growing that happens in those agriculture areas. Fruit stands after fruit stand. After fruit stand. So cool. So neat.

Delbert:

So we had a lot of delicious fresh produce and a lot of. Seafood and just had a lot of great community time around the dinner table and also at the beach. And then with our wholehearted living guide posts.

Hess:

So our theme was the the book by Brene Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection, and that was one of the first books that, that Brene Brown wrote. And the other ones came out of that. It was really, it's really a good theme for right now, Delbert being able to move to living wholeheartedly and let go of some ways where we don't live fully.

Delbert:

All right.

Hess:

even if we're going through something tough and hard. If we're living wholeheartedly, it helps us a whole lot. Get through that. Mm-hmm.

Delbert:

We are going through some hard times right now.

Hess:

Yeah, there, there was protest there in Bethany and that was fun. I went to that. I. And it was a lot of people, about 500 people. So there were about 2000 protests like that happened on Saturday morning. The guidepost for wholehearted li living that Brene kinda lays out, is letting go of what people think and moving into authenticity. That's, so there's 10 guideposts go of what people think and moving into authenticity. You wanna alternate these Delbert?

Delbert:

Yeah. The second one is perfectionism Moving into self-compassion. I love that. I love when we give ourselves grace. And I'll just go back on your authenticity for one second. I think that we have people gravitate towards who we are and we gather the right people around us when we're our true self. And I think that's what we created with our Barkley Village.

Hess:

True. True. That. And I'll the letting go of that perfectionism. Moving towards self-compassion. We'll never get anything perfect and we create too much of of anxiety. If we try to always do something perfect and we don't take chance, we don't take risk. We're not just in a flow because we're trying to be perfect. And it's hey that's why pencils have eraser. It's okay to make a mistake. That's how we learn things.

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess:

The next one one, some ways that we can can hold us back is if we numb and we move towards powerless. Powerless, powerlessness. What can I do? I can't do anything. I can't do anything to make the change. And the show. I was with a whole lot of comradery there. Holding signs up at the side of the road where we feel like we are resilient. We do have a say. We can put our voice out there, and there's a whole lot of life and a whole lot of positivity. Having resilient spirit, able, like you you like to put at Delbert, being able to do the bounce back.

Delbert:

Exactly. Exactly. Whatever happens, we just, we can think about it for a minute and then bounce back and go into action. The scarcity and fear of the dark and the way to move away from that is gratitude and joy. And I think a lot of us worry about, having enough for our families or the un unknown. Right and the way to, to combat that, sometimes we live in fearful times. It's hard to do but to wake up every morning with a grateful heart and be thankful. And so right now in this moment, we can live in gratitude and joy and try to push that darkness and fear and scarcity out of our mind.

Hess:

It turns the light bulb the light bulb on, doesn't it? Delbert, when we move to gratitude and joy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You And what is you said scarcity, fear of the dark. It's, and you said it exactly right. It's like the unknown. What do we know? We don't know what we don't know, If we just just gather what, whatever information we can and do the next best step, we're not frozen.

Delbert:

Next best thing. And and one of our conversations around the dinner table, I think was that we said, we can be fearful about the time that our country's in right now if we wanna be. But I think we can also take comfort in the fact that. I do believe that things are gonna work out and they're going to be all right. I do believe that this was meant to happen for a reason, this time that we're going through. And I do with all my whole heart believe that things are gonna be all right if we keep doing the next right thing.

Hess:

Yes. And I see a lot of people. It's making everybody kind of use their voice They can

Delbert:

And we've had to do that before, yeah, exactly. We've had to do that.

Hess:

show, go ahead, sorry.

Delbert:

No. I just said we've had to do that before, so we know how to do it.

Hess:

We need to move from the need for certainty and move instead towards intuition and trusting our faith. that's exactly what you just said. Dell is, like you said I know things are gonna get better and I trust that it will. Yeah.

Delbert:

And just a little sidebar on that intuition and trusting faith. I colored my rainbow color'cause I thought it said nutrition. My friend that I stayed with had a cat, a beautiful black cat with big green eyes, but I was allergic to it. And by the day that we did this exercise I really, my eyes were really bloodshot and blurry and allergy ridden. I'm still sniffing just a little bit, but yeah, I thought that said nutrition, so I colored it like a rainbow for good nutrition.

Hess:

Nutrition really is important for whole.

Delbert:

It's important too.

Hess:

But she

Delbert:

important too.

Hess:

have that listed. Yeah. Yeah.

Delbert:

Actually it is because I do remember one of the other ones, and I'll bring it up when it comes.

Hess:

Okay. Okay. intuition, what we feel in our gut, and it's not a, it's not a ticker tape. The kids print it. It's what am I feeling here? When I get those What are they saying? to know that is our truth. And it's we can be certain, we can listen to that intuition. And trust when Brene's talking, and she did her video when she did her video about I. About being able to be vulnerable, vulner vulnerable. She said we've moved in even in our spiritual lives, this need for certainty. You gotta do this, you gotta do that to be able to get to heaven. You gotta, and that, that freezes you, that you don't relax, you don't go with the flow when there's this need for certainty.

Delbert:

Exactly. And then

Hess:

the next one,

Delbert:

the next one was compassion and creativity.

Hess:

Her eyes are still a little bit

Delbert:

No, our eyes are still a little blur. Sorry, let me go back to that. Whoop, whoop. Hold the boat. Comparison. We gotta move away from comparison and that frees us up to move into creativity. Yeah.

Hess:

Yeah.

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

Hey, did you all just notice that Delbert read something incorrectly and she gave herself? She had, she showed up with self-compassion and her self-compassion for thinking it said nutrition, more about how comparison holds us back, Delbert. What do you have to say about

Delbert:

I just think, and we said this in our group, that we're at an age where maybe this doesn't matter as much. This is something I really wanna share with my teenage darlings. But when we compare ourselves to others, it says that in the Desdarada you'll become vain and bitter because they're always gonna be greater, lesser persons than yourself. So you don't wanna be either of those things. You just wanna be you. There's nobody else like you. And so to compare ourselves to anybody else keeps you from being that beautiful person that you are and being free and being the most creative being that God made you to be.

Hess:

It frees you up to be creative, doesn't

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

Yeah. Comparison. It either puts you down or puts somebody else down, and you can't be doing that.

Delbert:

We can't be doing that.

Hess:

No. Another one that happens a whole lot these days is exhaustion is a status symbol. And pro productivity being, being your token of self-worth,

Delbert:

yes.

Hess:

We gotta be able and the opposite of that is play and rest. We we gotta do the charge up. We gotta play. That's what, that's how we get, that's how we open up creativity. That's how we open up new ideas. That's how we can think of something. Solutions, having downtime, that rest time. I, I've always thought I don't wanna have that on my gravestone. How hard I worked. I wanna say I. Wanna say that being able to and rest then is, I've really enjoyed life. Why she lives, she lived. That's what I'd rather have on my gravestone.

Delbert:

Exactly. That's one that I think a lot of us related to.'Cause I think we were just raised to be hard workers and we were proud of ourselves when we worked really hard. But, and so I think that may be something about our generation, our age group. That's a hard one for people that are in their sixties or seventies. But the rest in play she said was as important as exercise and nutrition. So I just impose that nutrition up in there. So anyway, it is rest in play are just as important to your wellbeing as getting the right amount of vitamins and nutrients and the right amount of exercise

Hess:

For

Delbert:

about that. Think about that. I love that she says that.

Hess:

and Delbert just. When you were at Papa's house in your grandmother's house, what did you call your grandmother when you were at Mammaw and Papa's house? What I get that when you've told me stories about being there and the there, there was a whole lot going on. But you but it's not bad chaos. It's not. It's not anything that, that, that produces exhaustion. It's a whole lot of fun and stuff,

Delbert:

I called it good chaos. Yeah. And it was also that everybody was free to play and rest however they wanted to. And there were so many people, there were so many different ways. The men always wanted to play poker In the basement or cellar, and the women wanted to, be upstairs talking, singing, there was always my grandmother's always pinning a pattern on somebody that was making their first communion or,

Hess:

making something outta some spare cloth.

Delbert:

So it was just good chaos. Yeah. And

Hess:

and none of that was exhausting. It was it.

Delbert:

No, it was just, it was good energy. Yeah. It revitalized us, it revitalized us from the week and always said she, she'd pull us in like the moon, like the tide and we'd have all this relaxation and fun and get charged back up for the week on Sunday. And then she'd send us back out,

Hess:

love

Delbert:

Had going out. So yes she instilled in all of us that. How good it was to be together and to relax and let everybody relax and rest the way they wanted to. It was all good. It was all good. Yeah.

Hess:

And my dad was very successful and worked hard, but he also played he he loved the water. And if you went somewhere you got in the water and you swam you enjoy and

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

some time.

Delbert:

Just lay back. Yeah.

Hess:

Though that childhood we had of our dads having a boat on the river, that even though our dads worked hard all during the week they play and rest on the river on the weekends. Yeah. Yeah. So the next one we got.

Delbert:

It's anxiety is a lifestyle which I just. That is just terrible. Because I am a person who loves to be calm and still, and I'll actually tell people when I need stillness. I really can't deal with anxiety. So I try to have as little of that in my life as possible. I'm old enough to trust that I'm gonna figure it out. I trust and believe, and I'll trust and verify. Those are two of our great sayings from the week. But I've got to, and I'll just take a break from things. I'll just unplug and say, I've gotta have stillness. I need stillness right now and calmness in my life. Because I do love the beautiful chaos. I'm usually going, running Carol's kitchen, running, my real estate business. Doing the podcast connecting with friends and family. I love to go, to Lakeside and I love to go to Turner's and I love to do all those things, but. I always know when my tank's getting ready to run out. And I think if you don't know how to unplug, you need to learn your body and your rhythms so that you can be calm and still when you need to be.'cause there ain't nothing like, and I'm gonna trust and believe me, there ain't nothing like unplugging and just being still.

Hess:

And some of our input was like if we need calm stillness, you gotta find the true thing that's gonna give you calm and stillness. And maybe scrolling through Facebook and stuff might not be the thing that that makes you feel calm

Delbert:

Yeah. Nothing mindless. Nothing mindless, just real stillness. Either rest or meditation or, yeah. Yes. Just get your feet. Yeah. Get your feet connected to that ground. I always say I stand in my clover in my yard if I need to be barefooted. But when I'm near the beach I have to go in and just get my feet in that water and get those positive ions going.

Hess:

Or I go outside and I'll lay in the grass. Exhale. And I believe you know the need for certainty. a lot of that anxiety.

Delbert:

Some of these are intertwined. They really are.

Hess:

Are, they're wrapping

Delbert:

and

Hess:

other like Ivy.

Delbert:

They really are. Like a big, beautiful vine. And we did some of this practice inside, but we did a lot of it a lot of it just in what we experienced together. The, the play and rest on the beach. Everybody's separating and doing what made them come alive. And, going out on the boat and playing putt and playing pickleball and, going to the botanical barn, everybody had something that they wanted to do and that made them feel alive. And it was like, usually we paired up and split off or, and then always came back together. It was really beautiful the way that we did it.

Hess:

Yeah, I would go off with Mary and do some swimming and she had this little routine for 20 minutes. She would swim and we'd have our mask on or snorkel on swim and do strokes, and then for 20 minutes we would water tread. And she goes to the deep water and she's like Diana Nyad. She could like, she could go for hours and hours. She could probably water tread for six hours. She could, she says she could be a what's that squad? That for the for the Army or Navy or something where

Delbert:

Oh, the Navy Seals.

Hess:

she could be a Navy Seal. Yeah. and then we would do water aerobics for 20 minutes. So that, that was a way. To just plug in and reinvigorate too. The common stillness really does reinvigorate you. It's kinda like when I would do Buddhist meditation it's calm and it's still, but I would have more energy after, or like lo yoga, I would have more energy after. And the anxiety is a lifestyle. Delbert, there's a just a whole lot of young people these days that seem like anxiety's a little bit, or maybe we talk about it more. Do you remember anxiety being such a buzzword when we were in grade school and high school?

Delbert:

I do not. And I never even said it until here lately. And I don't remember that. I do think people, I think it's a good thing that people are more in touch with. It. But I think in the book somewhere she says, and I wholeheartedly agree with this, don't say I have anxiety. Maybe say, this particular. Instance makes me a little anxious.'cause I think when we start labeling ourselves with certain things, then we start believing that everything makes us have anxiety or every, that we're, that we can't handle as much as we actually can. And that's just me. I'm from the school of hard knocks. I liked the street Catholic nuns'cause I needed discipline I might not be the right person to ask that, but I do believe that we should be gentle with ourselves, but we also should really take a good stern look at ourselves and say, I'm gonna be okay. That's not so bad.

Hess:

And I could reword it. So if I don't know what's gonna happen versus saying I have anxiety and say, okay no. What am I really feeling here? Oh, it's just about not knowing what, where I. What's going on for the meeting tomorrow? Or this or that. And I could say, okay, I'm gonna change that to excitement. I don't really know exactly what's gonna happen, so I'm gonna say I'm excited about it.

Delbert:

I like that you said that a lot better and just turn it on its head. And that's what's great about our group. We all look at things differently and I love it when somebody turns something on its head that I never thought about and lets me look at it in another way and.

Hess:

There was so much beautiful input. There's so much wisdom. These, this Barkley village, they're just all so smart. Just it amazes me. Yeah. All right. Self-doubt and supposed tos and moving instead into just what's meaningful work I can do? And doing the next best step. Yeah. So self-doubt. And that's labeling it. Because we don't know what we don't know, and where is a resource where I could find out a little bit more information to help me make the right decision and into more meaningful work? 1, 1, 1 exercise we did was like, what messages did we get growing up from all different areas of our life of how we were supposed to be? And there, there were a lot of things there. Everybody had four or five. Things that they were told they were supposed to be. And no, we're not supposed to be anything because that kind of takes away our own individuality our creativity of what we have and who we are and what we have to offer.

Delbert:

And everything we do as work or within our family is meaningful. Nothing's greater or lesser than anything else. So I think you have to take pride in what you do as your profession, whatever it is. And if it's something that you don't necessarily love, look to move up and without fear,

Hess:

Gravitate to what will bring you joy

Delbert:

right. I.

Hess:

And be more of your passion. Yeah. Yeah. And all that will lead to more meaningful work, that will mean something to us. It doesn't have to mean anything to anybody else. The meaningful work is what is meaningful to you. I love that.

Delbert:

I get to do the last one, which is my favorite one. It was my favorite day on the beach Being cool and always in control. I. Move away from that to laughter, song and dance and I forget what day it was, probably Thursday was the morning after Brian Wilson had passed and we were on the beach with the speaker and we're playing music and we moved down to the water to put our feet in the water and had the speaker there up in the chair and Beth said. Put it on the beach Boys. Let's just, celebrate Brian Wilson and just spread joy. And and we all got up and danced, to the Beach Boys and people that would walk past us on the beach. They got it, and they would, most, almost every single person would start dancing to our Beach Boys music.

Hess:

As they walked past or

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

us,

Delbert:

Yeah.

Hess:

just like wiggle and dance and brought smile. And you all talked about some girls being out in the water playing. Say more about that.

Delbert:

Oh, there were just these two little girls that loved it, that we had that music. They were probably like 10 or 11 and they were dancing. They would start dancing in the waves to whatever song was on. They'd look back at us to see if we could see, and we'd give'em the thumbs up yeah. Yeah, you're nailing, you're killing it. It's perfect. So what, wherever you are, just let go of all that. We were the coolest people on the beach'cause we brought the music'cause we didn't care. We just wanted everybody to have fun and join in and be part of our celebration. So dance, like no one's looking.

Hess:

sing like nobody's listening, being cool and always in control. That's thinking other people are gonna perceive you a certain way and that's that's not living in true wholehearted living, right? How are people gonna look at me? How are I better not wear that, that people might think it looks stupid. I gotta look cool. We're not always in control. We don't need to be in control. Just do the next best thing and enjoy and be in the flow.

Delbert:

Be part of the universe and that, all of that's woven into rest and play and creativity and being resilient and losing all that perfectionism and just. Having self-compassion. All the things.

Hess:

That's exactly right. That's exactly right. I I took a photo of our board where people wrote down moving from and to, because they, you all also added a bunch of other stuff too that. Let me scroll back and find that Delbert. It might be where people added to this back here. Here we go. Here we go. Super past my cousin B's little bar that he made that looks like a phone booth. Like an English phone booth.

Delbert:

That was so cool.

Hess:

So y'all moving from you. People who don't live wholeheartedly might be more. Worried about money. They might be insin, insincere, they might be more negative, right? Critical, not open. Living. More fear. They're judgmental. Maybe I. They might just be single-minded, right? That's opposite of open-minded, manipulative, unavailable, living, scarcity, and more things that we wrote down about being able to cultivate. Moving to wholeheartedness intuition, trust, creativity, positivity, manifesting love, care for the earth nature. Preserve, stay connected with people. Live in abundance. Have a passion. Hope. take yourself too seriously. Laugh, play care for others. Don't judge no comparison. Yeah. Have com have compassion and empathy be reality based. Be curious. Be open-minded. I. Be fearless, take risks. Take good care of yourself. Do some self preservation in good ways. Live in joy, be honest, be spiritual. So amen to all that, Delb

Delbert:

Amen, Hess.

Hess:

Yeah. Yeah. The gifts of imperfection. You might wanna get the book or get the audio and live your most wholehearted life. Go do it.

Delbert:

Go do it and live in. Live in your best spirit, your best thought for this world and this country. We got a lot going on. Be sure you check all your news sources and listen to. Several different outlets.

Hess:

Yeah, make sure you try to dig it up and find out if it's a fact or not. Okay. We love you. Let this is, let me tell you this about that. Delbert and I go back 60 years to first grade at our mother of good counsel. We've been friends ever since, and continue it on with a great spirit and wholeheartedness. We love you.

Delbert:

Piece of and love. We love you friends.