Let Me Tell You This About That

Self Care

• Hess and Delbert • Episode 51

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Self Care—

This is a previously recorded podcast.

Hess and Delbert talk about how important self care is for our lives.  We have to listen to ourselves.  Delbert hit the “wall” after a very busy time, as she was walking her GrandDogs down the alley.  She went home, cooked herself some “soul food” (for her)—Linguini and clams, and binge watched her feel good series, Ugly Betty.  She did her laundry-returned calls and emails, and went to bed at 5:30.  After the following day, she was recharged.

Self Care is so important.  Our body needs it to stay healthy.  Delbert pushed through old childhood guilt messages of “You have to stay busy”.  The previous year she had not listened to her body talking to her when it was tired. Her immune system was low and she had bronchitis twice.

Hess shared Teal Swan's analogy—we are all “Cups”—if someone has their cup half full, we cannot ‘tilt’ our cup to fill theirs up.  The cups don’t tilt. The way to fill someone else’s cup is to allow our cup to overflow.

Fill your cup!  

Peace and Love friends!  Like and share!

I am still collecting for José's cancer treatments. This week José received radiation in his lower spine every day. We are awaiting the next CT Scans. Thank you for your continued support!
https://gofund.me/e6f61999

In addition to being a podcast host, Hess is also an LCSW--if you'd like to learn more about her work as a therapist, check it out at www.jessicabollinger.com

One of her mission's is for all of our lights to shine--when we see each other and allow ourself to be seen--and we can say to the person in front of us, There You Are! the world will be an amazing place!

Delbert is a top realtor in Louisville, KY, and you can find her at Kentucky Select Properties She will help you find your home, and also help you get the most equity when you sell your house.

Her philanthropic work to continue her sister Carole and niece Meghan is Carole's Kitchen. Blessings in a Backpack helps feed the many hungry students in our schools. The instagram account is: https://www.instagram.com/caroleskitchen.nonprofit?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==





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Hess:

Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for coming back to let me tell you this about that. I'm Hess.

Delbert:

And I'm Delbert.

Hess:

Yeah.

Delbert:

We're here to talk to you today a little bit about self care. So important. I was telling Hess that my kids call me a robot. I go for a very long time. And then all of a sudden, almost without warning, just hit a wall and I'm just done. My batteries are toast. And I try to really,

Hess:

When you say that, it comes to my mind is like a puppy, how it plays plays.

Delbert:

a lot of energy and I do feel like a little kid. So like a puppy. Yeah. I most of the time I'm like, yay, I get up and I'm like a little kid when I wake up in the morning. So I, it is like that. And I never really know when I'm going to run out of juice, it just hits me. So I was trying not to feel guilty, grew up having. what we call Catholic guilt about things. And I try really hard not to do that when I hit a wall and have to just take some time for myself. And I think that I may have made a little bit of progress this time. I had So many events. I had two listings that I got ready to go on the market and staged them. Then I had two listings that closed that I had to pick up a bunch of furniture and things from, and then I had three birthdays. Both of my children are born in the same week, and my youngest daughter and youngest grandchild are born on the exact same day. And I have to be, yeah, I have to make a big do about that. That's how I do had that all going on, and then had the fundraiser for my family's charity, Carol's Kitchen, the big golf scramble, where we raised over 28, 000, by the

Hess:

Oh my gosh.

Delbert:

I know.

Hess:

Congratulations.

Delbert:

really did just find that out. And

Hess:

Is that a record?

Delbert:

that is a record. That is a record for us. Yeah.

Hess:

Give a little bit of, give a little bit of, to our podsters, what Carol's Kitchen does, who it serves.

Delbert:

Carol's Kitchen is a 501c3 charity that's dedicated to my late sister and my late niece. And it works to our mission statement is to eliminate childhood hunger and other barriers to education. So we work to make sure that kids are fed. That's. Really, the number one basic human need is to have nourishment, and kids that go to school and don't have anything to eat they can't learn, they can't concentrate. On an empty stomach. And so we serve right now. We serve two elementary schools and one high school. I've served as many as, five schools at a time, and I also help with implement blessing programs in schools for elementaries, because I believe that program is really important. Amazing and successful. I really believe in blessings in a backpack because they're in the school sending food home. It's the perfect setup, but I've modeled what I do at Carol's Kitchen after some of the things Blessings does. I'm inside the schools and Seneca High School is my biggest school that I feed right now. I feed between 42 and 50 students and their families, younger siblings. And we teach students how to cook things with pantry staple items. We've made it a cooking club instead of a pantry. So it takes the stigma away, but just have

Hess:

that.

Delbert:

awesome, amazing kids. And right after the golf scramble, we had recipe of the month, which is a big do cause we, we cook a big recipe. Everybody gets to eat it together. It's our version of, even though we're not single. sitting around a table. We're standing around with something warm, talking and communicating with each other.

Hess:

So once a month you all do a meal where you cook something and prep it and then you have all those ingredients that these kids can take home and fix at home. Got you. Got you.

Delbert:

Yeah. And one of the things we do at the scramble too, is all of the alumni from Seneca usually play in the scramble and a lot of just friends from other high schools too. And everybody from the scramble writes a note on a note card to a student. And inside of the cabinet, when you open it up where we have our food, it also says, here are recipes and if you're having a bad day, grab one of these. So it's just a little note of encouragement, like a little affirmation. And the kids really like them. They're always empty when I go to refill them. So that's a little something about Carol's Kitchen. And I can tell you more about the Carol's Kitchen story. Another time, but

Hess:

So say more. So you have all this stuff going on,

Delbert:

yeah, I have all this stuff going on and I'm going for 10 days to 2 weeks. I lost track of how long it was going on and the very last day we had just had our reunion with our Berkeley village, which we told everybody about the last time. And that was so joyous and wonderful and really invigorating. But the next day when I got up, I showed a few houses and then I went to take my grand dogs on a walk because my. Daughter and her family were at a festival out of town and I said, Oh yeah, feed the dogs and walk them. And I was standing in the alley outside their house, walking the dogs, and I just hit a wall. I hit, my batteries were gone. Boom. What you gonna do? So luckily I was finished with work and I didn't have a really pressing day the next day. So I went home and as Leanne Morgan says, I took to the bed. I was just so tired. I think I went to bed at 5 30 that night and Just licked my wounds and did my laundry. And I was like, I'm just going to work from home today. Do the bare minimal, return my calls, return my emails, take care of anything pressing, but I'm just going to do laundry and stay home. And then I started binge watching ugly Betty. It's the best show. You've got to watch it. It's so good. And she never gives up and I love her for that. So it's a great show that was on, I think in the early two thousands or something and. I just loved it when it was on. I watched it with my kids. So it brought back all these happy memories too. So I was trying so hard not to have that Catholic guilt about taking me time.

Hess:

Yeah. And you said you were fixing yourself some comfort food too. And it sounds like ugly buddy's kind of a comfort show Brought back good memories early two thousands when you were watching that with your girls.

Delbert:

Yeah, it really was. I had, I didn't want to go to the store. So I had some pasta, I had some clams and I had some butter and some lemon. And I'm like, I could just make a little clams with linguine and kind of binged on clams and linguine. And my kids cracked up. They're like, of course you had the ingredients for that, It's been wild, I never go to the grocery and we talked about my coffee, toilet paper and vodka story. But I just was fighting so hard with myself to not only not feel guilty about this rest and rejuvenation that I needed. But also to just not, I think some of it's FOMO. I'm like, when am I going to feel rested? When can I go back outside and play like the puppy again, like a little kid, and I always get worried that I'm not going to get my bounce back. It always comes back, but I never know when, I never know how long I need to rest. It's just a crazy roller coaster that happens to me, couple times a year. So it always is a little bit scary to me, but it's also a little kid. Like I'm just longing to, I just want to go back to the office and see my friends. I just want to go shopping. So I ended that little period of almost two days by just going and saying, listen, do this for yourself. Go get a manicure and a pedicure. It's going to give you your bounce back. It's going to make you feel good. And I went to one of those really good nail salons that's got the massage

Hess:

yeah.

Delbert:

It was like, boom! I had the sweetest manicurist, and when she finished up, that, that chair just took the last kink out of my back and my shoulders, and she's she always gives me trouble about my feet, cause they have so many calluses, and she always like shakes that cheese grater at me, and I'm like, I like it, go ahead, it feels good, get all the calluses off. She's telling me in a nice way that I've been on my feet for too long.

Hess:

She say, you have too many calluses. That's why you don't have no boyfriend.

Delbert:

Yeah, it could be why I have no boyfriend.

Hess:

That's why you have no boyfriend.

Delbert:

no. So anyway want to say to people out there, it's, I, in my, I just went and got my hair done today, and my hairdresser has been taking care of her mom who's sick. Just like we were talking about taking care of our own parents. And I'm like, it's the hardest thing that you'll ever do, but it's the most rewarding thing. And she was on the same track. She's I'm so tired. All I do is work and go spend the night at my mom's house. And I said I just went through a little, pity party for myself. And I'm like, you've got to take a day for yourself. You've got to take care of yourself. So you don't get so run down. You can't take care of anything. And I told her about the jelly roll song, I'm not okay, but it's going to be all right. And

Hess:

Ain't that the truth?

Delbert:

ain't that the truth. So anyway, when I left her, I was her last appointment. She goes, Judy, I'm going to go get me a manicure and a pedicure. I said, Get a massage chair now. That's what I guarantee you. But

Hess:

So it's, so at 67 you're trying to get the hang out of not having any more of what we used to call Catholic guilt. We, Delbert and I both grew up Catholic most of our lives. It sounds like you needed that rest.

Delbert:

I did, I really did. And I'm one of those people that I try to relax when I go on vacation, but I feel guilty about it. And I'm going on a work trip with a friend of mine. And I told her I got us two day passes for the pool. And she's I'm going to. So guilty. And I'm like, stop, we have to talk to each other out of our guilt. She's feel so guilty that we're not working. We deserve it. I'm really trying to do that, that little convincing to myself because like you said, I still don't know how to get away from this Catholic guilt, like a little kid, Oh, I should not be watching this much television. I'm going to get in trouble.

Hess:

So Delbert, let me see if I got you. You had a really busy 2 weeks. You sold 2 houses. You've prepped and stage 2 houses to put up for sale. Also, you have 3 birthdays to celebrate. And we had that reunion with the Barclay Village retreat group. And you were like a ball, just bouncing all over the place with energy, with intention, with full presence. It sounds like you gave yourself some well needed rest. Eating that comfort food and watching the buddy. Ugly Betty show, you vegged, you even had, you did get your emails and returned calls. Your robot just needed to plug in and charge up. And we have to do that. When we sleep every night, it gives our body rest. Our brain has downtime and resets itself. Delbert, when we don't rest, it hurts our immune system. You remember last year, how you got sick a couple times and usually don't get sick? was around the same kind of thing. You weren't, you were like you never recharged. So our body then isn't strong enough to fight the fight back and that guilt. And you said that you might worry that bounce back might not come back.

Delbert:

Yes,

Hess:

let's break it down. Guilt is what we feel when we've done something bad. So I got to talk about this because we heard that word Catholic guilt a lot, Catholic, the doctrine was really thick, almost bigger than the Bible that you couldn't eat meat on Fridays. You had to go, you had to wear something over your head when you went to mass and that kind of stuff. And if you didn't go to mass every Sunday, you were in trouble. Like we'd be on vacation. We find the Catholic church to be able to go to mass. So we have is called Catholic guilt. The guilt is I've done something bad. If we went to a party with friends in college and we didn't study for the test the next morning. Oh, I got a bad grade. That's guilt. I can do something about it and change that next time. I won't go out with friends and I'll study the night before we can change what we're doing. Humiliation is what is the variable? That's did I deserve that? I think we've had some conversation with my parents getting divorced when I was in, Grade school that I didn't know anybody whose parents were divorced. And that one teacher said something to me that made me feel bad that my parents were divorced. And when I went home, Delbert, I did not share that with my mom cause my mom had felt bad enough and was in a state of shock and was very. Was really torn up and that then is humiliation that that I no, that was shame because I didn't share that with mom but I know we have a friend who, who heard that in grade school and she went home and told her mom. And her mom, called the school and said, Hey, what are you doing here? And that was humiliation that she didn't deserve to have that told to her.

Delbert:

exactly.

Hess:

Yeah. Now embarrassment, Delbert is the funny feeling like when we walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper to her on our shoes.

Delbert:

Rosanna then

Hess:

Yeah. But shame is the feeling I'm bad. It's the focus on the self and not the behavior. With the result that we feel alone, shame is never known to lead us towards positive change. I think the Catholic church made us feel shame and That's what I think.

Delbert:

probably cause we were just little kids. What could we possibly be doing to be guilty? You're right. It was more shame. You're right.

Hess:

Yeah.

Delbert:

The worst thing we ever did was come late to school and have to wear a Kleenex on our head. If we forgot our beanie.

Hess:

I wasn't responsible for my dad taking me to school late every morning.

Delbert:

Exactly.

Hess:

I was a Catholic for such a big chunk of my life. I know exactly how that feels. No, you taking this time to rest and recharge up, I wonder if it's like the message from our parents about how hard they work, like lazy people are bad. My dad was one of nine kids and my dad's dad told all the kids, if I had another kid, I'd have one that could do something. My aunt, my dad and my aunt Helen are telling me this, Delbert, one day, and they were laughing, they said they would tease daddy and say daddy, your chances are pretty slim of having one that don't have if you got nine and you still don't have one. So I got a picture of my dad. He's 8 years old, and he's next to a big tub full of rats. And he's got a gas mask on holding this right up by the tail because he started working for my grandpa when he was 5 years old.

Delbert:

Exterminate

Hess:

was what I was raised with, is my dad went to the office every day until he was 89 years old. I could, if I went to the beach, I'd have to rake the beach. I couldn't just lay on the beach. I'm not supposed to take time, and at 67 I'm glad that I'm growing out of that. It's okay to rest and take it easy. I'm so glad you did, Delbert, because I don't want you getting sick.

Delbert:

I know. I don't want, ain't nobody got time for bronchitis. I had it twice last year. What, Hestia, you are a really good example because I can see you like when we go on our boat trips, you are so relaxed. You are so in control of being in the moment. And I think it's part of the reason that I'm getting better at it. I only felt half guilty.

Hess:

That's a, that's good. That's progress.

Delbert:

Hey, that's a lot of progress for me. And here I am preaching to my hairdresser and to my work friend about not feeling guilty, think of for yourself. And I'm like, we're going to Charleston to this work event. And I told my friend, I said, we are going to go to the pool two days. We're going to get two day pool masses because we deserve to relax. I'll check back in with you and let you know if I have any guilt about that or shame.

Hess:

Awesome. Awesome. I'm glad you got those pool passes. I'm proud of you. We always teach and preach what we want to learn ourself.

Delbert:

Exactly. You're right. You're right. And I think if we just cheer each other on and help each other out and just keep saying to people, you are okay, it is going to be all right. We're going to make it. Take care of yourself. Take good care because this one body, this one life, it's all you've got. Make the most of it.

Hess:

story is popping in my head. Do you mind if I tell it?

Delbert:

Sure. What is it?

Hess:

It's it's not, it's I don't know, here it is I heard about these monkeys that were being studied on this mountain. And they noticed that this. They noticed and they'd been studying this family of monkeys for a long time. And there's this one monkey that was always quiet just off to the side and they were thinking about all the different dynamics of the different monkeys. And they decided they would remove this one monkey and just to see how the order was. In this family, and they were going to be returning this monkey, but they had this, they took this monkey and they, and then they came back the next week. They came back and the family monkeys had all been killed.

Delbert:

No.

Hess:

And what they discovered was this quiet monkey, this monkey that seemed like it was more at rest. It was in more of an introvert that monkey had an important role of watching and alerting. And so it's. Every part of us, every it's, we it's for some purpose. It's for a purpose that you might not be like that that, that bunny just keep going, that time to rejuvenate and watch the ugly Betty and recharging, come back, refresh, maybe some new ideas and thoughts and. of looking at things.

Delbert:

Yes. And that wall that I had was my alert. It was keeping me safe.

Hess:

Yeah. Yeah. Hitting that wall.

Delbert:

Like the quiet monkey. a

Hess:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So awesome. Good deal. Good deal. Thank I'm really proud of y'all raising all that money. Was that a record for the golf symbol? Oh wow.

Delbert:

it really was. And, usually with this amount of kids that I have caught, it'll cost me, between 10 and 15 this year to feed them. And so it gives me some reserve in case I have an emergency. The school has a very large homeless population. So I'm not quite sure everything that's going on with those students. I've got some parents that shop in the pantry too, after school. And I've got an outdoor pantry that, that we're restocking all the time with hygiene stuff and utensils and can openers and easy open meals and things like that. And so I'm not really quite sure. How many people it's reaching so far, but I feel like I'm close. I feel like I'm close and

Hess:

That's awesome. I know our pod, our pods, our pod squad really will look forward to hearing why the, why this Carol's kitchen started. And that's a, just a beautiful story. I can't wait for y'all to hear it. Delbert, I love you. And I'm really glad that you're going on this trip to support a friend that's getting an award and that you got those two pool, those two day pool passes. I love that.

Delbert:

I love you friend. You're the best. You're such a great role model. Everybody take care of yourselves. Remember to take care of yourselves and each other. Peace and love.

Hess:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just ask you this. Ask yourself the question like what can I do for myself? What can I do for myself? Because we got to fill our cell, our cup up so that it can spill out to other cups.

Delbert:

Oh, that's a good one. Love that.

Hess:

We're all cups. This gal Teal Swan wrote this in her book. Darkness before the light that we're all cups and we can't tip our cup. So if somebody's cup is half full, I can't tip my cup and give them any more. I got to fill my cup all the way up so it bubbles over the top and then they can get some of my cup.

Delbert:

I love that. I love that. I need to remember that next time I binge Ugly Betty and eat clams and linguine, filling my cup up.

Hess:

Yeah. So everybody please you are listening to, let me tell you this about that. And we, this always fills us up and gives us a good start of the week. And we want to share that with you. So share this with your friends, subscribe, like it, leave a comment, take care, peace and love.

Delbert:

Peace and love.

Hess:

Bye.